Greetings in the name of our loving God. I'm so glad He
loves us, because sometimes life is hard, and we just need love.
COVID-19 continues to have tremendous global impact. While
some of you have the blessing of beginning to open back up and reconnect more
personally with your people, others are still entrenched in tight restrictions
and no positive news.
Pennsylvania has been one of the most restrictive states in
the USA and among the slowest to reopen. Just yesterday, our governor announced
that every other county will move to the final stage of reopening next Friday,
but our county will remain restricted. I'll be honest. That is disappointing
and discouraging and feels like a targeted and vindictive attack. It has given
me things to think through and responses to evaluate. I'm okay. Realistically,
it doesn't affect my life that much, but it is disappointing emotionally.
So as I prepare to write to you today, I feel a little
"flat." As I perused my running list of ideas and verses that I will
probably eventually share, none of them seemed right for today. So is it okay if
I just share a little more of my life story?
Most of you are aware that I served one term in Mexico,
where I taught in an MK school. I also helped in a local church, teaching
children's classes, training other workers, and working informally with the
young people in the church. For most of that time, I was the only American,
serving under a national pastor. There were many good things that God did
through those years. Overall, they were a blessing, but overall, they were also
very difficult, particularly as a single lady without a strong support system.
When I returned to the States, I was absolutely crushed in
my spirit. I barely felt like I could look anyone in the eye. I barely talked.
I didn't feel like God could ever use me again. This lasted for a few years.
The turning point was a ladies' conference at my church. God remarkably
rearranged my work schedule so that I could attend the key sessions, and through
them He brought me to a point of desperate need to get things right.
The basic outcome was that I spent a lot of time talking to
God - at least most of a weekend non-stop. I had a lot of things to talk to God
about as I reviewed those years in Mexico - my failures, my self-reliance, the
hurt I had experienced, the disappointments. I also had to review the years since
Mexico - years in which just like not talking to other people, I didn't do much
talking to God either, and I hadn't let Him do much talking to me through His
Word. I was spiritually starved.
The bottom line was that I had anger and resentment toward
God because of what my Mexico experience was like. It had been too hard, He
hadn't given me enough help to get through it, He had let me become a
"mission field casualty," and I was upset with Him. Therefore I
didn't read His Word or talk to Him much for a few years afterward. Can you see
why I was struggling!?
I had to confess my failures. A big part of that was
learning to say "OK." It is well with my soul. Acknowledging that God
can do what He wants to do in my life, can bring whatever hardships He chooses,
can allow pain, even allow what I perceive as failure. Over and over through
those days with God, I had to acknowledge the reality of the difficult issue
and then say, "OK, God, I yield to You on that. I accept it as part of
Your plan, and I acknowledge Your right to make that decision."
Truly, God gives grace to the humble. The next day at
church, several ladies easily recognized the change in me as soon as they saw
me. Indeed, God had renewed and transformed me. Even though I had been training
for the past several years to serve God in Christian education, it was only
now, less than a year from receiving my degree, that I finally believed God
could use me again.
That wasn't the end of my post-Mexico journey. As shocking
as it may sound, it was still more than a decade later before I really
"believed" in missions again. Probably the most concise summation is
that I doubted missionaries were really doing much good in the world. I
wouldn't have said so to anyone, and I even participated in missions activities
during those years: preparing missionary prayer lists for my church and going
on a short-term trip.
I'm not even going to try to explain why I felt that way
about missions. I'm not sure I understand it myself. But I later took another
short-term trip to the Tenek indigenous people in the mountains of southern
Mexico. There, through observing the dedication of the native missionary, his
passion, his tireless outreach, and the inroads he was making into unreached
villages, I was re-inspired. I once again believed, at least more fully, that
God is working around the world, and that He is doing so through faithful men
and women.
You are one of those. Thank you for persevering through the
difficulties, for continuing to serve through the lean times as well as the
blessed times. God is using you. He is doing His work.
I'm not sure what my story means to you. By my own
admission, I am not a very good or inspiring example of what a missionary ought
to be. But I am human, as you are. I doubt that others share my level of
struggle, but since everyone is human, I expect they can relate to some extent.
And I think what I most want to say through this testimony is that human
weaknesses don't disqualify us from God's service. They don't make us unusual.
Others have struggled before you and will struggle after you, even other missionaries.
The struggle itself is not the biggest issue; how we respond is. We must submit
to God and accept His plan for us, whatever that looks like, no matter how many
bumps on the road. I trust that you can take this particular epoch of life as part
of God's plan and not as a source of discouragement, disillusionment, or
resentment. Instead, I hope you will see what God sees - a divine orchestration
intended to draw people to Himself, and I pray that you will see and are seeing
the spiritual fruit that God is producing in these days. God bless you.
Love in Christ,
Peggy Holt
member at Open Door Baptist Church in Lebanon, PA
www.pressingontohigherground.blogspot.com
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