Greetings, my sisters.
I've shared some of my story with you about how God led me
to the mission field. If you've been left wondering how and why I left, today
is your lucky day!
I was in Mexico for three and a half years. I taught
children in an MK school, where the parents were either working in the city or
were there temporarily to attend language school. I also helped in a local
church, directing the children's ministry, helping with the youth, assisting
with visitation, etc.
From a purely human standpoint, my years in Mexico would be
described as a "bad experience." There were aspects I enjoyed, and
I'm very glad I served God there for those years, but it was also very
difficult. I think the hardest part was being there on my own. As a single
person, I was especially lonely. In part due to my upbringing, I probably wasn't
equipped to handle that well. It is also likely that my struggle was
complicated by medical issues that would be identified years later.
One aspect of why I left was simply that I couldn't do it
anymore. Not a very spiritual reason. Wasn't God enough for me? Wasn't His
grace sufficient? Obviously, there was no problem with God. The problem was
with me. There were times that I was fine, and then would come times of great
struggle. More than once, God gave encouragement and help. He would give a
breakthrough and renewed commitment to stay.
Eventually, though, I reached the point where I think I
stayed only so that I wouldn't have to admit defeat. I realized there was an
inherently negative impression when missionaries left the field. Even as a
younger person, my judgmental spirit told me those people had given up and
failed God, and that it was very sad. I proudly thought that I would never
leave - that I would stay no matter what. I was determined not to be "a
statistic," but I wasn't strong enough. While I don't fully comprehend how
God's sovereignty and man's weakness work together, I do know that God was in
that change in my life. However those pieces interact, it wasn't God's intent
for me to be a life-long foreign missionary.
God had me there for as long as He needed in order to accomplish
what He needed to accomplish in and through me. Maybe I needed that experience
to prepare me for later service. Maybe I needed to learn my own inadequacy.
Maybe God wanted to test the willingness of my heart to obey Him. Maybe I
needed to grow in maturity through what those years brought to me. Maybe God
needed to completely break me so that He could make me more like Him. Maybe God
wanted me to grow in my submission by seeing if I would yield the pain and
choose to serve Him again. I believe each of those statements contains truth.
My loving and compassionate God cares for His children. At
the time, I believed that God understood my struggles and that He "gave me
permission" to go home. I wouldn't use those exact words anymore, but I do
know that God understood my situation. He knew my heart and my desire to serve
Him, but He also knew all the other factors, including the emotional struggle. With
His kind heart, God responded to that, and in His wisdom, He even used those
factors as part of His guidance.
In the end, God directed the change in my life. He directly
intervened to send me home, because I don't know how long I would have
stubbornly stayed there struggling if He hadn't. At that time, missionaries to
Mexico typically entered on a tourist visa, which was good for six months at a
time. Every six months we would drive to the border and re-enter. Then the
authorities started more stringent tracking and enforcement of tourist visas. Out
of necessity, missionaries started to convert to a more long-term visa.
This required significant paperwork and an invitation from a
registered church. The church I was working in qualified, and in spite of my
deep struggle in remaining, I worked to gather the required documents. When I
went to Mexico City to present my paperwork, I learned that the signatures of my
church's representatives were invalid, as they did not match the names the
government had on file. Due to a past church split, the approved men were long
gone, and an attempt to track them down for signatures failed. I could have
pressed on and tried to start the process under another church, but all things
considered, this appeared to be God's way of sending me home.
It was very hard to make the decision to leave. In many
ways, it is easy to go to a place of service. Everyone approves and views it as
a positive thing. People can even go to the mission field for the wrong
reasons, and probably are not questioned. But to leave - that's different.
Leaving a place of service requires certainty that God is in it. Otherwise, one
would not be able to face the perceived criticism of others or his own attacks
of guilt and failure.
What God did in my life will not match the story of other
people, but I do know that God was in control. I do know that God is in charge
of government officials and regulations. He oversees spouses and children and
co-workers and mission directors. He is in charge of health and accidents and
political situations. He even has a hand in our personalities. God uses all of
those things and more to accomplish His plan in our lives, whether or not
anyone else understands. In fact, whether or not we even understand personally.
"The LORD of hosts hath sworn, saying, Surely as I have
thought, so shall it come to pass; and as I have purposed, so shall it
stand" (Isaiah 14:24).
Did my service in Mexico matter? Yes, it mattered. Does your
service matter? Yes, what you do today matters for eternity. The specific task
and even location may not always look the same, but for however long God has
you doing each task, it will matter. Trust Him to use you in His plan and for
His glory.
Love in Christ,
Peggy Holtmember at Open Door Baptist Church in Lebanon, PA
www.pressingontohigherground.blogspot.com
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